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Heavy Downpour

It’s been pouring for months now

Your heart feels like it’s drowning

When will it all end?

I don’t think I can take much more…

 

Your friends told you that in time the pain would fade

And before you knew it, things would be alright again

But the storm within doesn’t show any signs of stopping

Hearing that everything will be okay has gotten old

 

I urge you to look at it this way though

Every storm runs out of rain eventually

For everyone, it happens at its own time and pace

So don’t get discouraged when it doesn’t happen right away

 

Just don’t give up, don’t let the storm win out

Learn how to swim, remember how to fight your way through

Nothing will be the same as it was

But it can still become wonderful once more

 

You can’t expect time to just heal all wounds

For pain to just get up and walk away

It takes a lot of effort on your part to heal and move forward

It’s not an easy thing to do most times, but it’s integral to your well-being

 

The sun will shine on you, if you have the strength to find it

Stand tall in the rain and push forward

The dark nights will eventually come to an end

And without realizing it, your heart will have begun to mend

 

 

 

Always Within My Heart

Always In My Heart

If only there was a way to visit Heaven

I would make regular trips there

Meet family members who died before I was born

See firsthand what they were like

 

And there are those that died when I was young

When they left, I barely knew them

So I’d spend some time changing that

Talking and getting to know one another

 

I would take Zach to meet his family as well

Let him see where he comes from

My how he looks like his granddad when he was young

Wouldn’t it be fun to watch them play chess?

 

Maybe while I was there, I’d talk to Kennedy, Lincoln, & Eisenhower too

Find Edgar Allen Poe, Emily Dickinson, & Shakespeare as well

Do you think Judy Garland would sing with me?

All of heaven could listen to Frank Sinatra croon 

 

I would save the best for last and seek out those I was closest to

Enjoying every minute together & holding on for as long as I could

And perhaps then if I could see that they’re in a better place

It would be easier for me to handle that they’re gone

 

My heart aches thinking of all the empty seats at dinner tables tonight

Wishing they were still with us, even for just a little while longer

Looking at your pictures isn’t the same as seeing you face to face

As time passes on, the pain never really fades

 

But sometimes imagining I could come see you where you are

Just to know you’re all alright, no longer suffering

It helps me to be able to let you go

And to remember that the world still turns, with or without you

 

Know that every single day you are all missed by many

That you’re legacies will continue to live on inside others

And I will do my best to honor your memories by continuing to live

Sharing the love, laughter, and joy that you gave to others

 

While I know I can’t see or hear you anymore

I do know a part of you is with me

Even if there isn’t a road that leads me straight to you

I can always find you within my heart

 

 

 

 

pastpresentfuture
It really all is a matter of perspective. For all the jobs I wanted and didn’t get, relationships that fell apart, friendships that didn’t last, mistakes I made, times I was disappointed, every loss I suffered, each lesson I learned the hard way, and all the hard times I went through has led me to where I am now. For years I wondered why the things I wanted most often didn’t work out the way that I wanted them to. But now looking back, I would not go back and change anything because if I did, I would not have the life that I do now. I thank God for each and every struggle I have faced, for every single thing that has happened to me, and everything that I have done that has led me to where and who I am today, just as all that happens now shapes who I will become tomorrow.

I just wanted to let you all know that I am still alive and doing well, actually better than I ever have before. As I shared in my last post, I got engaged on June 21st. Then, on July 1st, my boss where I have been a temporary employee called me into the office at the end of the day to let me know they’d made a decision of the job I’d interviewed for with them and the decision was that they wanted to bring me on board. As of July 21st, I will be an official full time employee there and I am so happy. This is only the third job in my life that I have truly loved and of the three, only the second where I both loved what I did and not only my fellow co-workers, but my bosses as well. This is also the best paying job I have ever had. Given that Doug and I are paying for most of the wedding ourselves, it’s nice knowing that soon I will be able to really help out with that and around here financially a lot more.

I have such amazing friends and many wonderful family members that love me and support me in my dreams and life goals. My son is key to a lot of my joy as well. He’s gearing up for the sixth grade and for another year of playing football. He’s having some issues with behavior still, but we’re working with him…all four of us. (His dad, myself, his step-mom, and Doug.) We want what is best for him and we’re committed to helping him. He is very excited for football, so we want to encourage that, may that be an outlet for his aggression and help him get out that pent up energy. He’ll be wrestling again this fall/winter too. That should help, along with our talks, keeping him busy, etc. He is excited for the upcoming wedding and his role in it, as am I. I can hardly wait to have him walk me down the aisle. He is so happy for us and I am happy that he and Doug have bonded, that Zach also now has two very stable homes.

I am blessed beyond belief and I pray for those around me, that they will either come to know the kind of good life that I finally found or that if they already have it, that they don’t take it for granted and are happy with what they have. We all do that now and then, forget how good we have it and complain. I am trying harder to be better about that. The truth is, as previously stated this is the best my life has ever been. Thank you, Lord for the wonderful life you have given me and the outstanding people I get to spend it with. (this includes each of you as well!) I am off for the day, got a lot to do with my family. Have a blessed day, make the most of the time you’re given!315506_271449742877019_130983066923688_950332_1701207646_n

Our Love Story

our love story

I was walking down memory lane tonight. I feel like telling our story. January 13th, 2012 is when it all began. Though little did either of us know that we’d be where we are today. I first met Doug that cold January night at an A.D.O.B tour show. I didn’t give him much thought that first time I saw him. He was dating someone else and I wasn’t over an ex of mine. Neither of us were in a position to really consider one another anything more than friends, though truth be told, we were just acquaintances for several months. We talked a couple of times when our group was hanging out. I remember one conversation in particular actually. We talked for awhile about music. It was the first time I’d really talked to him. 

It wasn’t until the summer of 2012 that we really started getting to know one another. We started chatting in August and on the 30th is when we hung out for the first time, just the two of us. He knew I was in a rough spot and needed a friend, so he asked me if I wanted to hang out. Not once did he make a move on me. He was strictly my friend for a little while. It didn’t take me long to consider him a very good friend. He was someone I could talk to about anything, turn to if I was having a bad day, that could make me laugh, made me feel comfortable, and accepted me as I was. I realized a few weeks into hanging out and talking nearly every day that I was falling in love with him. It was as our friends predicted long before we were anything more than casual acquaintances, that we’d get along, that we’d be a good match. It seemed after awhile that maybe he had feelings for me too.

As it turns out, he did. Though when I first asked him how he felt and told him that I liked him, he wasn’t as enthused as I’d hoped. He did admit to liking me, but thought we’d be best suited as friends. I was so hurt and confused. That was on Sunday, September 30th. What an awkward conversation that was. But, then the next day, he asked me if I wanted to go to a Brewer game with him. His sister couldn’t use their tickets. So, he, myself, Petrina, & Joe went to the game on October 3rd. It felt like a date, with him picking me up, walking me to the door when he dropped me off, etc….except that it was a bit awkward. Our friends knew something was there between us and well, so did we….but something was keeping us from acting on our feelings.

On the 4th, feeling frustrated and confused, I decided to ask him to watch movies with me at my apartment after work. He accepted the offer and came over. It was still awkward for awhile, but eventually, he put his arm around me. We kissed later and from then on, that was that. (the 11th was our first date, courting me at that time I guess you’d consider it.) Even though we didn’t start officially dating until the 16th. He asked me out much the same way that he proposed to me, very nonchalantly, casual. Over the moon with happiness, I didn’t care that there wasn’t some grand romantic gesture. It was enough to know the feelings that were behind the question.

January 5th, 2013, he told me he loved me for the first time. The joy I felt in that moment still lives within me today and has been growing ever since. May 23rd, 2013, we moved in together. And then we just celebrated living together as a family for a year last month. What Zach, Doug, and I have is special, beautiful, and worth more than any amount of possessions. When Doug asked me if I wanted to get married on the 21st, (it was after Midnight after all.) not a doubt was in my mind that it was time. I’d been ready for awhile, well in many ways, to marry him. But looking back on everything, I am glad it’s now that he’s asked and not then. It’s given us time to grow, solidify our relationship, and make sure we were both ready. So, the next chapter will be written on Saturday, May 23rd, 2015 when we say I do and we become husband and wife. I am beyond elated to make what we have official in the eyes of God and the state, before our family and closest friends. I will walk beside you for the rest of my life, through the good and the bad. I love you.

Love & Marriage

Marriage-Quote-imperfect-people

A friend of mine posted something on Facebook today and it really made me think. It was a link to what someone else wrote actually. It was about people doing more bragging about being engaged and their wedding plans than focusing on their relationship and why they’re getting married in the first place. Now the one who posted the link is engaged himself and he said he totally agrees with what this other person had to say. It touched also on people who spend more time bragging about their relationship in general than actually enjoying and maintaining it.

I have to say that I too agree with much of what was said in the article. I will admit that sometimes I talk up my boyfriend, but that is only because I do want the world to know how amazing he is. He puts up with me ha ha. Well that and I have been down some dark paths and to finally be where I am, I don’t mind if others know. I am not doing it to brag or show anyone up, but to let the people in my life know I am happy and also to give others who are where I used to be hope. I see so many wearing the shoes it took me so long to get rid of. I believe that if someone like me can find happiness and hold onto it, then it’s possible for everyone in my life that is searching for it to find it themselves. Skepticism is very understandable, been there myself, but that’s just it, because I have been there…I want others to know they’re not alone and also to know that real love and happy relationships do exist. But….there must be a line drawn. One doesn’t need to share every detail of their relationship with Facebook or anyone at all really. The relationship should still be about the two of you and not become everyone’s business.

And when it comes to love, engagements, marriages, etc….I think many have lost sight of what all of that means. First of all, people misuse the word love a lot. It’s gotten to the point that many don’t even view it as having meaning anymore. Too often, it gets said without even thinking about what it really means, how those they say it to feel about it. Love is such a powerful emotion, one that people use as a weapon or use as a means to getting what they want. It is something that should be treated with respect and care. If you really love someone, then by all means, say it. But let me add this….show it too. Words don’t mean anything if you can’t back them up with how you treat them. And please, if you don’t love them or you’re not sure how you feel, DON’T SAY IT! Don’t mess with someone’s heart that way. I, personally, do use the word love a lot, but I also mean it every single time I use it and do my best every day to show those in my life how special they are to me. I encourage more people to do that: Don’t waste time on pretenses, be honest, love, and let love in.

Engagements/weddings are supposed to be wonderful. When you’re engaged, it’s supposed to mean that you and the one you’re with have decided to spend the rest of your lives together. It’s a wonderful time in your life and you have the right to celebrate it. However, when it becomes more of a bragging fest, a cause to compete, and you’re spending more time posting on Facebook/Pinterest/etc than you are celebrating your love, cherishing the one you’re with, and working on keeping a happy and healthy relationship….well…you’ve then lost sight of why you got engaged in the first place. Something else about engagements that get to me is when people brag about the number of times they have been, seriously, like it’s something to brag about. That also means you have had how many failed relationships? People often, it seems, get engaged/married just to do it, to not be alone, to be cool, to brag, for the kids, etc and not because they’re madly in love with one another, ready to spend the rest of their lives with one another. I don’t think some realize at all what a real marriage is supposed to be. At the first sign of trouble, people are breaking up instead of working it out. Some people change their relationship status so often that it makes my head spin. Divorce/ending relationships are popular and it shouldn’t be that way. Some go into relationships/marriages now thinking, “Well, if it doesn’t work out, we can just break up/get a divorce, no big deal.” It’s really such a shame that many act like this. I know that there are a fair amount of people out there that know what a happy and long lasting relationship looks like and are able to maintain theirs, how to be a loyal friend, how to cherish life and not always be in competition with one another. So many have their priorities straight and know what they’re doing. But, sometimes it just seems like we’re the minority.

About the actual wedding itself, my feelings have changed over the years. When I was young, I wanted to have a big, fancy, expensive wedding. I wanted to be a princess for a day, no matter what it took. But the older I have gotten, the less I feel I need to have that happen. I still want my wedding to be beautiful and special, but not overpriced and overdone. I want it to be a day where my family and closest friends get together to celebrate our love, a day we remember for years to come, but I don’t want it to be the fancy stuff people remember. I want them to remember the joy, the love. Why spend so much on one day when you have a life ahead of you together to focus on? Save the thousands upon thousands of dollars on the wedding and use it on the future you two will share. Getting married isn’t or it shouldn’t be about the fancy/expensive dresses, big churches, caterers, dj’s, flowers, decorations, invitations, etc. It should be about marrying your best friend and showing the world how happy you are together, about going forward as a couple that is ready to face the world together, through the good and the bad. I know that within the next year I will be planning my own wedding and something both my boyfriend and I agreed on from the beginning is that we’d make it lovely, but simple. We want it to be memorable and happy, but we can do that without spending a fortune. Hey, if you have a lot of money or maybe your family is rich and wants to give you a fancy wedding…cool, but I still urge you not to lose sight of why you’re getting married in the first place. It’s not about how beautiful everything is….the ring, the dress, the hall, etc. Look at the one you’re about to marry and know that without a doubt that this is the one you want to grow old with. Know that you will disagree, go through hard times, face loss together, struggle with, and that it’s all going to be worth it. Know that this is the one who will wipe your tears, stick it out when you’re not easy to be with, but that they also are the one that makes you laugh even when you’re not up to laughing, gets your humor, makes you smile just by thinking of them, is your best friend, the one who will celebrate with you and encourage you, and will love you as you love them always. When you have found that person and you’re both ready….really ready, not just tired of waiting or think it’s the best you’ll do or that you should because of the kids or all of your friends are already married…..but truly ready….take that step, make that day beautiful, and fill it with more love than the money that is spent on it. True love is so precious, once you have it, don’t take it for granted and do your part to make it last.

fathers day

I hope this day was amazing for all of you, no matter what your situation may be. Dads, step-dads, adoptive dads, foster dads, dads to be, men who long to be dads, dad type figures, single moms playing both roles, grandpas, uncles, god-fathers, and so on…..this day was to honor your hard work, sacrifices, and love for your children and families.

For me, I had many to think of today. I couldn’t be with them all, seeing as some have passed, some are too far away, etc. But, I was thinking of each of you. Thank you personally for your roles in my life. I love each of you. For my family/friends that are being honored today…know I am proud of each of you and hope that your day was amazing.

For the dads that have passed away, the children who have gone….your lights still shine and we honor you too today. On Father’s Day, knowing your dad isn’t here to be honored is an unbearable thing to deal with, watching others honor their dads when you can’t, not easy. Being a dad when your child(ren) have died can’t be an easy thing to deal with. I do sincerely hope that each of you have been surrounded by loved ones today.

Before today ends, I say this to each of you: God Bless, much love, and here’s to a great week ahead! Oh and don’t forget to show those in your life still with you how much you mean to them.

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