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Thankful Thursday


I saw this on another site and decided to do a post like it myself.

Often, we think about what’s going wrong and not enough about what’s going well in our lives. I’d like to take a moment to say what I’m thankful for today.

I’m thankful for my amazing husband who is beyond supportive, compassionate, and hardworking. Having him by my side means more to me than I could ever say.

I’m also thankful for my wonderful son. He is truly a joy and blessing in my life. He makes me think, wonder, want to explore, and has shown me the greatest love I’ve ever known.

And I’m just thankful for life, that I’m still here living it, surrounded by so many people who love me. I have a great family and terrific friends. I have an awesome job, a home to come back to each day, food to eat, a cat that I adore, a baby I’m carrying that will fill my heart with even more joy, and much more.

I need to remind myself just how good my life is sometimes. Now and then, I forget when life is busy throwing me curveballs. God is good and has always seen to it that my needs are met and that I have lots of love. Life is good. ♡ ♡ ♡

Starting Over….

proud mother

Those of you that have read my blog quite a bit know that I have a 12, nearly 13, year old son. We’ve had our challenges, but he’s beginning to grow, mature, and discover who he wants to become. For a 12 year old, he’s gone through more than most of his friends have.

It’s become quite common to live in split households, something that wasn’t common when I was growing up. And, it’s also not so uncommon for someone to have step-parents, which he now has in both homes. I have a step-mom. But, that doesn’t make it easy on someone, just because you know you’re not the only one out there going through it.

His dad and I have been at odds from the beginning and for awhile, it was very bad. I had to get a lawyer, there was mediation, and court dates. Our son was caught in the middle of it all and that should never have been the case. His dad and I do get a long a lot better now, as we too have grown and matured. Though, we still have our moments when we butt heads, but overall we are able to work together, along with our spouses, to give our son a good life.

Zach has had to adjust to all of that and since June, a baby brother that his dad and step-mom had. He’s been quite jealous, as is understandable as he’s been an only child for nearly 13 years. He’d reverted to a young child like state for awhile. He’s beginning to come around. Now, he’s going to have to go through the same thing in our home as well.

I found out nearly three weeks ago that I am pregnant. By the time our child is born, my son will be 13 and a half. This will be completely new territory for my husband, as this will be his first child. He has nephews and now a young niece, but that’s not the same thing at all as having your own child. And for me, this will be starting all over again. One could say it’s like riding a bike, you don’t forget how to deal with babies, but the truth is, every child is different. I have no idea what our child will be like and yes, while it looked like “the end” was in sight per say, I am quite excited.

I love my son more than life itself. But, I do sometimes feel very badly about not giving him the life I’d once sworn I would give my children. When I was growing up, I told myself that things would be different when I became a mom. I would fall in love and be married to my best friend first and then together, we would raise our children. Life would not be perfect, this is something I’d learned early on. I knew there would be struggles, sad times, and there would be moments when I’d wonder how things would work out. But, with my partner, I knew I wouldn’t be alone and that we’d face it all together.

Well, that’s not how my story went. My son’s father and I didn’t even date. Heck, we weren’t even friends really. It was sex and nothing more to him. For me, I can’t say that it was love either, but I did have feelings for him that went beyond lust. I still can’t really put my finger on how I felt about him. It was strange, I just felt oddly connected to him, like he was supposed to be in my life. Well, God knew Zach was to come into our lives, so it doesn’t really matter now what either of us were thinking or feeling. What happened gave us our son and I don’t for a second regret that.

The situation has changed for me this time around. Now, this time I am married to my best friend and partner. This time, I won’t be at odds with my baby’s father, won’t be fighting with him about who gets to see our child when, and this time we’ll be working together from the very beginning. I think this will make a wold of difference. This child will have a better life, one that I wanted my son to have, one that he’ll never have. But, I mustn’t beat myself up over that. The life my son has now may not be ideal, but it is not a bad one either.

My son has not only two parents that love him, but two step-parents that love him as well. And from there, he also has a lot more family who has welcomed him and who love him like we do. He has a lot of support and I am truly grateful for the life he has now. Things were rough in the beginning, but things have turned around. A child doesn’t have to live in a home where their parents are married and happy to have a good life. I used to think that way though, that I could never have a good life because my parents weren’t together and because my life was so broken. The trick is to find ways to put those broken pieces of who you are together. You may not be who you were, but perhaps someone better, someone wiser, someone stronger, and someone happier.

My two children will have very different lives, but one thing that they will both have in common is that their mother loves them with all of her heart and will do all she can to give them the best life possible. Also, my husband will be there for them both as well, giving all he is to making sure they have a good life. Our children will have family, support, encouragement, and so much love.

Here’s to starting over and here’s to a happy and healthy baby in May of 2016….

Three Years & Counting


WordPress notified me that I have been a user for three years now. My how time has flown! I remember when I first joined this community. My good friend Courtney told me I should start a blog, that my life could inspire others. I had no idea the impact this site would have upon my life and am glad I joined.

I don’t write as often as I used to, been insanely busy these days. But, never you fear, I am not going anywhere. I will still share my thoughts, stories, poetry, and random tidbits of stuff. ;) Thanks once again to all who read my ramblings and for sharing with me and the rest of us, all of yours. I am truly grateful to be a part of this. Many of you I have spoken to often and consider friends. I love you all! Thanks for welcoming into the WordPress family. We are an odd bunch, aren’t we? ;)

It’s Mexican food night at our house and soon our company will be here, so I should go. I just wanted to check in and let you all know I am still here, doing well, and still love you all! Keep writing and enjoy life to the fullest! <3

Mental Health Awareness


Many people live with mental health issues and are ridiculed by some who don’t understand. Some want to and aren’t sure how to and others just refuse to try. “It’s all in your head.” or “It’s not real.” Some view us as freaks, a circus act to laugh and stare at. Others think we’re lab rats to analyze.

The illnesses we have are indeed in our brains, but they’re very real and not self-manifested. They are not something that we chose to have, to deal with. They also don’t make us any less human beings than those without them. They do not define us. I’m not bi-polar disorder, I have bi-polar disorder. There’s a difference.

To properly have a healthy and happy life when living with them is possible. Some need medication, others don’t. I did, for a time, but have learned how to live without them. For me, it’s a daily struggle, but I have a good support system and healthy vices, such as praying, singing, walking, writing, cleaning, etc that help me get though.

Having a good support system is very important and so is having things that can help you get back on track. It’s different for each person. Some like to workout, others like to watch comedy, and others still like to find a person they trust to talk to. Whatever helps you and doesn’t harm you or others should be encouraged.

If you don’t have a support system in place, try to find one. Start with family and friends, but branch out further if need be. There are groups in your community and online as well. Research them and know what you’re getting into and when you know it’s a trusted source, get involved. Vent, listen, encourage, and help one another.

Do not view yourself as inferior or unworthy of love, friendship, and a good life. Every day, I battle with the demons in my head that try to tell me I’m nothing. In the end, I’m reminded that I’m beautiful, talented, intelligent, and worthy of goodness in my life. I try to remind others of the same and not just those who have mental health issues, but everyone in my life.

Love goes a long way. It can overcome any obstacles and cure many ailments. What it can’t cure, it can lessen the pain and help you through. I pray that anyone reading this has people in their life that shows them that love.

Here’s to raising awareness, beating our illnesses, helping others who have them, and showing love to those around us.

Just Married


It’s been awhile since I have posted, but never you fear, I am alive and well. :) In fact, I just got married a few weeks ago. It was an amazing day, full of so much joy and love. We were surrounded by so many people whom we love so much. The love and support given to us that day means so much to us still.

Though as I said before our wedding day, it’s all been about what comes after. We’ve been settling into married life and not much is difference as far as the day to day stuff goes. But there are changes, the big one for me is my last name changing. I got all of the important bases covered there, but it will take some time getting used to signing it. I now wear an extra ring, so now I have a little extra sparkle. :) I, for the first time in my life, share a bank account with someone. We figured our money has been going towards our future and will continue to do so, may as well just put it together. We are talking more about our goals, like putting our current house up for rent and getting a bigger house. I like looking at houses and seeing what’s out there.

Our future looks bright and that’s because we’re in it together. I can hardly wait to see where we go from here. We’ve only just begun and we have a lifetime ahead of us to dream and turn them into reality. Here’s to many wonderful years! :)


Do you ever find yourself wandering within yesterday’s garden? 

I do, now and then. 

Some parts are filled with an array of beautiful flowers.

The colors are a sight to behold. I could stare at them and get lost in my thoughts for hours. 

The yellow chrysanthemums represent the days of peace and harmony, where I was happy with myself and others. No hate or negativity could hurt me. 

The orange tulips are my moments on the dance floor or on stage singing when I got lost in the music and just felt so free. 

The red roses are each kiss, snuggle, and romantic moment I spent with someone I loved. They’re each blush, butterfly in my stomach, and hopelessly giddy feeling I’ve ever felt. 

The various hues of purple violets are my humble moments when God reminded me of who I was, who I wanted to be, and to always give back. I have known what it feels like to need, to feel alone and it has felt good to make other’s happy and to have their hearts melt. 

The radiant bluebells are all of the friends I’ve ever had over the course of my life. Each one has taught me something to carry with me into present days. Each one has brightened my days, made me laugh, feel such joy, and given me so much love. 

The green grass I walk upon with my bare feet is simply the Earth that I live in, one I want to take better care of than I have in the past. May I nurture it and find strength in it from above.

As I continue to wander through, I see a dark corner of my mind that I find myself drawn to. 

There are thorns, weeds, and a feeling of sadness of hard times I’ve been through. 

Though it’s hard to look at, I find myself needing to confront what I see before me. 

For it too has shaped me into the woman all of you now see. 

Each heartache, lie told, hurtful thing I said and did, spiteful thing someone said or did to me, hardship, broken dream, moment of loneliness, loss, friendship ended, and hopeless feeling has had a part to play. 

Every thorn that I pass tries to catch me in its grasp and hold me down. They yearn for me to stay. 

The past can be a tricky thing when one lingers there for too long. 

Though I know that each part of it has made me into who I am now, the good, the bad, the right, and the wrong. 

I’m not who I once was and I’m thankful for that. Though, I know I’m not the woman I am meant to be. 

Every day I’m given is another chance for me to grow, learn, give, take, live, and love. I contemplate that as I sit down by the giant oak tree. 

I have found it’s love that makes me the person I’m now proud of being. It’s giving back that helps me heal. It’s compassion that makes me feel good about my life. 

I was put here to love, to help, to give. I aim every single day I’m here to be a good mother, daughter, sister, niece, granddaughter, cousin, friend, coworker, and one day soon, wife. 

The past is here for me to visit anytime. It’s good to see it now and then. It can be a good friend. 

But, it’s not where I belong. The here and now is where I’m meant to be in the end. ♡


I remember when I was my son’s age, 12, thinking that 30 was old. And when I reached the age of 20, I still thought 30 seemed a lifetime away and surely when I reached it, my life wouldn’t be the same. Well, I was right about that, though not in the ways I thought back then. I remember thinking that once you reached your 30’s that life would be more boring, that I couldn’t possibly enjoy my life like I did in those moments of my most cherished youth.

As my 20’s progressed, I began to see that life wasn’t turning out the way I once thought it would and so many things I thought I knew about life were proved wrong. I must say that my 20’s were definitely full of excitement. There were so many parties, adventures, random road trips, and explorations. There are many days I can’t quite remember though and while we would laugh about such things with one another, truth is, it was sad that there were hours of my life when I couldn’t recall what I had said or done. But, such was the life back then for me and many others I know, and many others around the world too for that matter.

While my party days of my 20’s could be a blast, it is quite accurate to say that it was not all fun and games. With that partying also came being sick, injuries, death to loved ones because of reckless behavior (drinking and driving – not because of me, but it very well could have been due to many stupid decisions I made.), near death experiences, drama, drama, and more drama, heartbreak, and so on. I have learned a lot of painful lessons and often times, the hard way.

My 20’s were full of a lot of irresponsibility, careless actions, unwise decisions, and rash behavior. Now, I am not going to say that I didn’t enjoy my 20’s at all, because I do have a lot of great memories, made some great friends, and still have inside jokes that many of us still laugh about to this day. And, I can’t say that I just screwed everything up and didn’t do the right things at times. I wasn’t an airhead, but sometimes I made people wonder. I look at some people in their 20’s now and think, “Was I really like that?” And the answer, dear readers, is yes and sometimes much worse.

I am now 36, approaching 37 at the end of this year. Looking back at my frivolous days of my 20’s and then looking at my life and who I am now, I can tell you there are some major differences. The me back then and the me now would have quite the conversation should they be able to speak to one another. When I was 26, I said I wanted to find someone special, settle down, finally establish myself on a good career path, do better for my son, and behave more responsibly. But what I said I wanted and how I often behaved didn’t match up. I still was so selfish a lot of the time, though I wouldn’t bring myself to admit that. I worked here and there, wasn’t there for my son like I should have been, stayed up too late most nights, partied too hard with my friends too often, chased after the wrong guys, and just made a mess of my life. You’d think by 26 that I’d start to get a handle on things and I was making progress, but not nearly enough.

It’s so weird, when I turned 30, it’s as if a light switch went off in my head. It didn’t happen overnight, but turning 30 was really a turning point in my life. It’s as if the mist surrounding my head began to lighten and the fog began to lift. I began to see just how badly I needed to change, how my priorities needed to shift. I started going out less, trying harder to better my life, and began truly growing up. Life started to be more about my son, family, and working hard.

When I was 26, I lived with my grandma, had my son very sparingly and never knew when I’d see him, worked a seasonal job at the ballpark, and worked here and there on the off-seasons, hung out with a lot of people I shouldn’t have, and did things I am not proud of. My younger days were even more chaotic. At 19-23, oh it was even more wild. At 23, I got pregnant with my son and during that time, I did pretty well. I didn’t drink, took care of my body, and tried to change. At nearly 24, my son was born and then it didn’t take long before fear I’d ruin my son’s life the way that my parents had ruined mine and selfish wants took over. I have always loved my son, but back then, it wasn’t enough to do what I should have. It was about me, but I said it was to protect him, to spare him of the life I had. To a point, I did believe I wasn’t any good for my son, but that was also because I was afraid to try, only to end up failing. I didn’t give my son every effort he deserved and for that, I’ll always feel horrible. I am getting better at forgiving myself, my son already has. I know too that I can’t make up for time lost, but I can be there for him now.

And that’s exactly what I’m doing. Fast forward to present day if you will. I now find myself working a stable job that I love that more than pays my bills and takes care of Zach’s needs when he’s with me, have a schedule with my son and am overjoyed at being a much bigger part of his life, am engaged to a wonderful man who loves us both that has always been there for us, am a member of a church that really helps me grow in my faith, and have surrounded myself with a good group of friends that I can trust and that I don’t let take me down dark paths. If anything, if I start to have problems, they’re right there guiding me back to the right path. Life is truly wonderful, the best it’s ever been. I am much happier in my 30’s than I was in my 20’s. I finally look in the mirror and see someone I am not ashamed to look at, someone I can really love and respect. If you asked me to go back to my 20’s, I wouldn’t. Truthfully, I feel the only way to go is forward. <3


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